If you have ever had to forgive someone for something they have done that hurt you or someone you love, then you may understand that it is not always easy or as simple as it sounds. This is particularly difficult especially when faced with forgiving an unfaithful partner or spouse, an abuser, or close family member. Most difficult and confusing may also be the  struggle we have with forgiving ourselves. 

Forgiveness itself is a beautiful thing, yet it is one of the scariest things my clients face in the their therapeutic process.   The question becomes, "if I forgive this person who has hurt me or forgive myself how do I have to feel about them now? If I felt hatred, hurt, and/or pain am I supposed to feel happy, content, and love? What now? Do I accept what they did as ok? Do I forget? Do I speak kindly when asked?

Forgiveness requires none of these things and yet the fear is that forgiveness is perceived as possibly the opposite of the anger, hurt, and mistrust. Do I just let that person back in to be hurt again because I'm supposed to "forgive and forget?"  The opposite of angry is happy, right? The opposite of mistrust is trust, right? Should we feel happy about what they did to us?  Should I trust even though I've been hurt?

Allow me to share with you what forgiveness truly means by sharing what it is not. Forgiveness is not trust; trust is something that is built and can be repaired through time. Forgiveness is not feeling happy, that is developed by choice. Forgiveness IS simply seeing another person as a person. Forgiveness means that I am allowing someone else to be a real person. Someone who is not perfect, who has feelings, who has struggles. Forgiveness is understanding the “why” with compassion, even if we do not agree with it. I forgive you means “I see you”.  Truly, if I can see you  as a person, I can let go of my hurt, my pain, my guilt, my suffering, and realize that we are both imperfect beings. 

Even if restitution is never given or sorry never heard, you can still find peace in seeing another as a person who makes mistakes, has feelings, has been hurt, has loved ones, and who has value.  Regardless of their behavior or choices you can have peace without restitution.

This way of being may seem different and it is, but throughout history we have been taught about the nature of forgiveness and its' roots. This has been beautiful summed up by many of the wise leaders of the world that forgiveness is the act of "granting each other humanity."

The pattern for forgiveness...

• Give yourself permission to feel the hurt but not sit in it.
• See the person who has hurt or injured you as a person through the eyes of compassion.
• Decide if this person is going to continue being a part of your life, If so work on building trust, This may take time, healthy boundaries, and structure. (For example if a spouse was unfaithful. Trust now has to be developed, perhaps through date nights or scheduling 20 minutes every night to sit and catch up regardless of what’s going on or to just be heard. This structured way of living is followed by both partners until it becomes more natural. This is building trust).
• Remember to see yourself as a person.
• Have compassion for yourself as this is a journey not necessarily a destination.

Forgiveness is vital for your healing. Do not allow fear of "what now?" to stop you from moving forward in your journey.  If you are stuck, need some support, or a safe place to talk please call us at Best Practice Counseling.  801-988-9807