Getting a Return on Relationships | Kyndel Marcroft, LCSW, SAP, CEAP
In talking to clients I hear consistently that one of the most rewarding and most challenging aspects of our lives is often those close interpersonal relationships. These relationships whether it is a spouse, lover, child, friend or family member, influence the very essence of our lives and indeed are places of safety or sorrow. In order to move emotionally and physically in the world in a positive way, monitoring and enriching these relationships is key.
The vitality and stability of our relationships lies within a simple principle I call investing. “Investing” means that there is a conscious decision to increase quality time and put intentioned effort into the relationship which will yield an emotional profit. For years I have heard professional peers refer to this as creating an emotional “bank account.” This account is much like your financial savings account except the commodity is measured in love and not money. The goal in our relationships is to ensure that the deposits into the account out number and outweigh the “withdrawals.”
Tips On…
Increasing Deposits:
Listen and Attend – Attending is being emotionally and physically present with another person and giving them your full attention. Eye contact and reflective listening give others validation and help them feel secure in the relationship. In other words… PUT THE CELL PHONE/TABLET DOWN!!!
Know their Love language – Find out what makes your loved one tick emotionally. Often we think that the way we feel loved is the way everyone feels love. This is not true. Everyone has a different way to give and receive love. Find out what your loved one’s language is and use that knowledge to show them love. You’ll be amazed at the high rate of return on this investment. (For ideas on finding out Love Languages refer to Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”).
Remember, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” –GOETHE. There are many “good” things in our lives to do with our time but those things that will enrich, enlighten and improve our relationships are better and best in the path to improve our investments. Prioritize your time to reflect what it is you love.
Keep your commitments- Loved ones learn that you are there for them and they are safe with you when they can trust that what you say is what you will do. Be true to yourself and them. Be careful not to say things you don’t mean.
Decreasing Withdrawals:
Manage your anger and negative emotions- Take deep breaths and time-outs as needed. It is not uncommon for these important relationships to “push our buttons” at times, so we need to be vigilant when it comes to recognizing when we need a break. It is impossible to solve problems when we are angry so time to PAUSE and settle down will allow us the time we need to cool down. It is okay to say, “I’m too upset to talk about this right now. Can we take a break and we’ll come back and talk about it in an hour?”
Meaningful apologies go a long way- Let’s face it, we’re human, and we are going to make mistakes and even fall flat on faces sometimes. Be quick to recognize mistakes and right the mistakes as best you can. The best plan is a “recovery plan.” In relationships it is more often better to be kind than it is to be “right.” Be willing to forgive and move forward with open, sincere communication.
If you find yourself struggling in your relationships and the return on investment is just not there, it is important to get help. Please call Kyndel Marcroft at 801-988-9807